1.

As the lavender decorating the auditorium tickled the nosebuds of the delegates, the Special Session of the Association of Eminent Psychiatrists was brought to order.

‘Good morning, Professors, Fellows, Doctors, Mrs J. Fortescue, and Members.’ The chairperson smiled benignly.

‘Hear, hear!’

‘We are here today to consider a submission for the elevation of a member to the position of Fellow of our association. We will take a vote after we have heard and evaluated its content. I welcome to the podium Mrs J. Fortescue, who will address us on her submission.’

The expectant audience hushed in anticipation of a treat.

2.

‘She crazy. She done started OFF like as she was a chunkated woman. Like a little pinky girl. Wotz I gonna say more about that, you’s a askin’? Nuttin’, is what I says. Nuttin’. Cra-zee! An’ then she got a movin’.

‘Started off a serious chunkated. Takes her self serious. Yeah? Big woman, she think she is. Noisy, man! Opinionated, whoo! Then she goes, see. And comes. Comes and goes. Ya gets dizzy. Yo-yo, ya know?

‘I go get me a coffee. This woman can wait, teach her to go thinkin’ who she is. Ain’t got time for a crazy.’

3.

‘Minky-pinky girl, really. Wants me to take care of her. Me? Ain’t ma job, girl! Oh, no. So she starts a breakin’ things. Her tea cup. China. Smashed it on the floor. It didn’t break, tee-hee. She pick it up, and throws it at the clock on wall up there. Knocks it off its perch, yeah?

‘I tells ya, I shuts out all of that stuff. Stupid. So she pretend now that she ain’t interested no more. In me, in the tea cup, in the clock.

‘Ha! I seen that one comin’, me being a psychiatrist all qualified ‘n’ all.’

4.

‘You a loser, lady, she says to me. Me! An’ her being the biggest one hereabout. In this ambint space here. She ain’t nothin’ to me! Who’s constructing this dialysis, me’s or her’s? I don’t as needs to tell ya.

‘You got to tell ’em I’m sane as a scientist, she says. Do you know what I’ll do if you don’t? I says to her, if she thinks I’m going to do what SHE wants, she IS crazy! Huh? Get it? Pretty smart, ain’t I?

‘Didn’t as look too pleased, did she? But a real lippy sneer on her mouth.’

5.

‘She tell me, she DONE that! Done what? She tell me I big balooga. I took a slurp of ma coffee. Oh, bliss, you want some, honey child?

‘Jessie, I says. I’m going away now. An’ she starts a screamin’ and a suckin’ that thumb of hers, and throwin’ herself on the floor, and beats the boards with her fists. You’ll break my wood floor, yeah? Gets up! She do. Up, and looks at me, all worldly wise. Marches up and down my insulting room like as she was a soldier boy. Some weird chicken, this one be, tell ya.’

6.

‘An’ blow me down if her eyes don’t sink to the subtransent gates. And she don’t look at me. She can’t. I try to mingle over and falls my body into her line of site, but she’s ain’t havin’ none of that. Nope. She too quick, those eyes slippery off and away like a oil slick on ice, right?

‘So, I’ve had enough. Now, wait a second, who IS this? Blow me down again if ain’t crazy woman back again. Yo-yo, yeah? Like I said, chunkated woman.

‘So that’s why, see? She done transform like, how’s it go?

360 (TOTAL).’

7.

The audience applauded with vim. The chairperson blew his nose, and took the podium.

‘Thank you, Mrs J. Fortescue. A most edifying address. We will move straight to the vote. All those in favour of Mrs J. Fortescue’s elevation to Fellow, raise your hands.’ Full house. ‘All those against.’ Zero takers.

‘In accordance with our constitution, we welcome Mrs J. Fortescue to the position of Fellow.’ The audience cheered and high-fived. Mrs J. Fortescue returned to the podium.

‘I a big woman, an’ I delighted. Like blazin’. Me an’ you’s all in, people!’

Her face crumpled. ‘Mama,’ she squealed. Mama!’

The end.